Wednesday, May 12, 2010

At The Crossroads

      I have never failed at anything I have ever tried. I know that sounds stuck up and rings untrue, but it IS true. Everything I have put my mind to I have succeeded in. I was always on the Principles/Deans List, always in the honor society, I was accepted the first time I applied to nursing school, I was accepted into an honors program at the U of A without even applying. I've never truly had to study as much as many of my classmates. Everything has always come so easily. 
       I have failed a lot recently. Failed in a long time relationship, in school, failed myself and my family. Many tell me I'm too hard on myself and others, that I expect too much. Maybe I do. But how do you grow if you don't have a drive, or someone who cares whether you fail pushing you. I care. A lot. So I push, and I realize I need to learn when to back off. I also wish people would realize I do it out of love. I don't profess to know all the answers. In lots of ways I am a very naive person and I am okay with that. I also realize I am a very old soul and can recognize things about myself and others. Which makes most people uncomfortable. I'm not saying I always see everything about myself when I'm in a situation, especially when my emotions are involved. But I can usually recognize things in hindsight that apparently most don't want to see. What's the point of lying to myself? 
        Some people would chalk it up to Karma and leave it at that. I have always put good things into the universe, mostly. I am human, so I do have bad thoughts occasionally, and have done things to hurt others, unintentionally, but still, it hurt. 
       I was told recently that you must fail to grow and become wiser. You must lose to learn the value of what you have.  Well, I must have been ignoring the spirits when they were trying to teach me these lessons, because they have hit me hard with failure and loss this year. According to a very smart lady, I should be honored that the Loa (spirits) have decided I'm worthy to teach.
       I was also told that the spirits have a way of balancing luck, and that I had an overabundance in some areas. I admit I have been very lucky in love and academically. I have a great (for the most part) family and friends. I admit to having never had a guy break up with me before, I always did the breaking. 
      Personally, I have the sneaking suspicion I shouldn't have asked what path I should take. Or maybe I just was ignoring what they were trying to tell me. But I definitely have my answer! They showed me in a big way what path I should take, and showed me I was essentially doing what was expected of me and was not listening to my own heart. Okay, I was, I was just ignoring it. It seemed too depressing that my ex and I had broken up over differences in life goals and here I was changing my mind and taking a different  path, after losing my love. It just seemed to hard to face, but face it I must. 
      So I start on my path to become a neonatal nurse practitioner. Which starts with finishing my ADN, then accepting NAU's Distance Program, and moving to AZ. It's actually kind of funny if you think about it. Funny in a Serendipity (the movie) kind of way. But I don't think this movie will end with me finding him again. I'm fairly certain my time with him is passed. Three years was a pretty good run, right? 
      It's always sad to lose someone so important to you, and learn the hard lesson that most people are just out for themselves. I also realize that my trust issues and having a hard time forgiving contributed to our problems. Also the fact I wanted to wait to get married, until at least one of us was out of school, and one of his goals is to be married by 30, which for him is July 25 of this year. And the fact he thought I was going to vet school in AL, and he didn't want to leave Arizona. 
      One day I might blog about how we met, and just what the odds were of us meeting. When you hear the story, you realize why I thought it was meant to be. It was so random. And don't get me started on the Chinese aspect of the meeting. Let's just say I'm a dragon, he's a monkey and that had special meaning in relation to his family. 
      I guess the point of this blog was to get my feeling out and put down officially what my plans are. For real this time. And to declare that I've grown up, and that I'm sorry it took me so long to see my true path, and that I sacrificed our relationship to my stupidity. I think we could have made a pretty good go of it. But without the breakup I don't know that I would have seen what I needed to change before it was too late anyway. 

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